Leave it to the blogosphere to call me to task

(parallel post)

I've been staring at this in my aggregator for a day or so now, not having read it through, but sure I'd want to keep it around for comment.

Using a blog for self-help?. Seb Fiedler (via Aaron Campbell) points to John Stone, a guy who used a blog to track his progress towards fitness. Apparently, documenting his efforts and results worked well for him. Check out the pictures and animations. In a similar vein, Michael uses his "emerging success" blog to document his efforts to shake off his apathy. Not sure how it's turning out - that blog's been dormant for a few months now.

Related post: An Internet way of self-knowledge
[Seb's Open Research]

Yes, my E.S. blog is largely defunct. I suppose it's more of a statement than if I had been keeping it up. I go back to those posts frequently and am pretty energized by what I find there, after a fashion. But my situation has slipped so far since then that it's tough to write about honestly and not just flinch. I've been living in a basement in Connecticut since early October. The plan was to be house sitting for 6 months, during which time I'd find something, start working, and get all set to move out by the 6 months + 1 day mark.

Instead the people for whom I'm house sitting came back 4 months early and have been kind enough to ...err... "keep me on" until I find something.

So what started off as a favor that I was doing for someone else that had a great beneficial side-effect for me has become a situation where I'm accepting handouts.

Doesn't feel great. Feels really not great.

So I've been selling stuff on eBay, looking for work (though the way I've felt physically over the last week makes it tough)

I'm out of catch phrases, cute little anecdotes, motivational speeches and lists of "The N Things You Can Change To Make Your Life A Better Place" (act now and get our 10 week tape program for ONLY $299!)

Just trying to find some basic dignity now.

The Idea Deck

Get a file box and a bunch of 3x5 cards.

Every morning take 5 blank ones, put the date on the top right-hand corner and number them 1-5.

Throughout the course of the day put an idea on each one.

There's no attachment to getting any of those things done or considering what it would take to do them. For all intensive purposes "Cure Cancer" and "Velcro Shoes" are on the same level.

At the end of the day put all 5 cards in the front of the box. Don't read them.

Do this for weeks at a time.

At the end of a month (or perhaps 2 weeks, it depends) take them out and read them all, making a little note on each one about what it would take to do them. (Not whether or not it's a good idea.)

Once you're comfortable doing 5, do 10. Eventually you'll find you can do them in one sitting. I've gotten up to 20 a day.

As far as actually doing them? You won't be able to help yourself so I'm not even gonna talk about it.

Week 7: Day 1: Addendum

I expect it's virtually impossible NOT to misread that last post. I would like to go on to say that it was hyperbole', but that would be a lie.

I realized this afternoon at about 1:30 the amount of energy I spend on waiting for things to happen TO me in my life. How much energy I spend wanting to BE entertained, to BE engaged, to BE interested & enthusiastic. As though I were the subject of such qualities as they were exuded from some otherness I expected to grant these virtues to me.

It is as I have always said and nearly always forgotten: Activity breeds interest.

Keeping my eye on the task helps nothing. It sounds like 3rd grade rhetoric from backyard games of catch with Dad but "keep your eye on the goal. Look to your destination."

I had, this afternoon, at about oh... 1:35, this horrid sinking feeling about all of this and how badly (and effectively) manifested it is in my psyche. I wait for things.

The thing to do would be for me to keep that in very sharp focus. But the subjectivity of experience doesn't do a very good job at allowing you to do that at will (otherwise psychological depression would be rather extremely rare.) So I waxed a teensey bit literary in order to pound the point home and codified it. I read that post 3 times before I was out the door with my written checks and their envelopes in hand, the receipt from the cleaners, and enough cash to restock my caffeine. It was no big deal, took about 10 minutes total. I left a message for the aforementioned lady (T), so we'll see how that goes.

Ya know what? I was not interrupted by the buzzer or the sight of the UPS truck racing by me on the street so they could say they were there and I wasn't.

I've got a list of 10 moving companies to get estimates from and I've written the form email (if they don't like that it's a form email they don't have to take my money.)

And I learned something again that I forget almost without fail: Time seems short when you waste it. Time seems more than plentiful enough when you use it well.

I'm really excited about going out for coffee (or some analog) with T. She already knows I'm moving. How bad could it possibly go?

All of a sudden it seems like it's "only" 6:30 instead of "already" 6:30.

Saved again. I wonder what else I could do.

Week 7: Day 1: Waiting

UPS Tracking says my boxes are on the road, on their way here. I haven't left the apartment because I have remarkably bad timing with such things. I know that as soon as I round the corner the ups truck will show up. He should be here a few minutes more. I'll just wait.

Once those come I'll be able to go downstairs and pick up my laundry and drop off a new bag. THEN I'll be able to get moving.

Once I have my laundry I can start packing both for a trip I'm going on next week (that I paid for back when I thought I could afford it) and for the move.

I was asked out on Saturday, but I was thinking that while she's really cute and seems pretty sweet (it's someone I've known on and off for a few years) that if I were to start seeing someone now it would probably just end up being bad, what with the move and all. So I should really wait until I'm settled in up in Connecticut. Of course, then I was thinking that I'm only going to be in THAT arrangement for 5-6 months and what a pain in the ass it would be to have to start all over again. So maybe I should just wait some more. But I'll call her in a few minutes. After the boxes get here.

I just finished the last of the Diet Mountain Dew and therefore the last of my stuff to drink stock in the fridge. I should go downstairs to the store. But they might not have any more (a frequent occurrence) which means I'll have to go over to Atlantic Avenue to the market there, so I'm gonna just wait 'til the boxes get here.

A friend of mine is an accomplished writer and I sent her an email a week or two ago about writing based on real-life and how I've been a bit hesitant because it would be really tough to mask the identites of those involved (for better and worse.) An interesting conversation ensued and after a bit I confessed that it's a very strong drive of mine, to write, and what a delightful fantasy it was to write for a living. She asked: "What are you waiting for?"

I've got a couple writing and programming projects that have been running through my head all ready to start sketching out and outlining. But tomorrow night I'm going up to Connecticut to take a driving lesson (ugh. Apparently the driving school can get me into a DMV road test in a week instead of 3 months from now. It's worth the cash, but I have to take a 2 hour lesson) so I won't really have the time to get a meaningful amount of work done before I'm all disrupted and have to leave again. So I'm just gonna hold off on that. Besides, those boxes should be here any minute.

There are a couple unpaid bills sitting on my desk that I could really stand to bang out. But once I write the checks and stuff the envelopes I'm gonna have to walk up the street a few blocks to put them in the mail box. I don't really want to leave 'til the boxes get here. So I'll just wait.

I was sure there was something else I wanted to add. I was about to hit post, but I had this itching sensation in my brain. There's an idea that's almost there but it's barely escaping me.

I'll just wait.

Week 6: Day 4: Step Ahead

Not bad. Not so bad at all. Despite my radio silence I've finally gotten my Ct driver's license stuff sorted out. The upshot is that having a driving school give me a lesson then lump me in for one of their pre-scheduled tests gets the job done 3 months earlier (!!!) The first available test if I scheduled it myself was December 12th. That would leave me in the middle of noplace with only a 10 year old mountain bike for transportation for a very long time. Not good.

I also ordered a huge bundle of assorted boxes that are supposed to arrive on Monday. Packing has been more or less on hold until then, though the tossing out of my stuff has been going smoothly and quickly. I'm quite amazed at what I've had the strength to part with. I really am quite sick of being owned by my stuff and it's becoming very easy to let go of... largely.

Most of the rest of my stuff has fallen through the cracks because I've been letting my basic discipline slip. No reason to get whiney about it really. The book I'd been reading with the intent of reviewing here was SO bad that I couldn't even finish. I've just restarted The Art of War again. You can't read that too many times.

Without belaboring the point too much one big reason I've gotten myself all screwed up is that my plans have changed so radically that I'm not adapting very quickly and I'm still looking at my long term goals with a new pair of eyes and an "Uhm... ok. So what does this all mean?"

I figure I've got 3 readers and I've probably lost 2 of them by my sporadic low-content posting. Quite alright. I haven't earned it yet.

Today: I did get some cute little perl scripts written. I had a couple solid blog posts, and I got through a significant amount of my pending bills. Plus, I stopped myself from going way overboard with tonight's impromptu family dinner (had mexican, stopped halfway through. Major dietary achievement actually, especially since that was actually enough.)

So it's a good thing. I want to get back into the habit of posting here and being excited about my progress, but rather than whine about it I'm going to go work on what else I want to get done by the end of the week.

Week 5: Day 4: Halting the backslide

For some time I've been slipping. But I've pulled together more than a fair bit and some of the most distasteful silliness is en route to being complete.

The Driver's license problem: Moving out of the NYC metro area means I need a license again. I let mine expire long ago, so I have to go take the driving test. But whether that's here or in Connecticut was a bit of a question, and where was I going to get a car to TAKE the test in, etc. Simple solution to a complex series of problems: Driving Schools. They'll pick me up, schedule the test, take me there and take me home. Done deal.

Moving the garbage: Boxes. Hundreds of boxes I need. So after whining and moaning about it for a while I went to a "moving supply" website and bought a "7-8 room package" and am having THAT delivered. Another major win.

More on the moving: People are coming out of the woodwork with generous offers to help me move. While it fills my heart with warm fuzzy goodness, it's just not a task I can ask of friends and family. I live on the 6th floor. I have more books than several small used book stores, more clothes than most women put together, and I'm moving far far away. I can't ask that of people.

HOWEVER. They can help me pack all they want ;-)

But I'm going to get movers to move the crap (except the computers and the sensitive art. I'm taking those in whatever vehicle I travel in.)

So the big hurdles are falling. Things are moving, and I'm feeling pretty good about my deadlines for moving.

Unfortunately there's a whole lot of stuff that's fallen through the cracks during this process (remember that cute "book a week" idea?), and I have to recalibrate based on what I've learned as a result.

To be perfectly honest though; the way I've been feeling the last few weeks, I'm counting these as major successes and going from here. I'm going to think a bit about why I didn't get done the things I wanted to, but I'm not going to bang my head against a wall any more about it. It just doesn't help do anything but make me feel worse and give inertia and depression a foothold in my mind.

The tasks ahead still seem insurmountable to me. "I have to pack all THIS? By WHEN?" I expect that's more a problem of perspective than anything else (forest and trees and all that.)

Week 4: Day 5: Keeping Up Appearances

Of course, I swore this wouldn't happen. Promised myself up and down. All kinds of oaths were tossed chickens were sacrificed. Deals were made with extraplanar beings both angelic and demonic.

All that means precisely squat if it's not coming from the heart.

It's the sparing nature of my posting that's gotten me all boiled up tonight, and more than that is what it's indicative of.

A few years ago my spending was really getting out of hand and I decided to do something about it. I've never exhibited the discipline of a reasonable "budget" of any kind (regardless of whether or not said discipline exists.) So I figured that the logical first step would be to chart my expenditures as they were for a month or two, then look at that information in about 6 different ways (I love playing with data. long story.)

I had all kinds of spreadsheets with automated totalling, categories, multiple accounts, etc. All with graphs and charts. It was far more intricate than necessary, but it was fun so I kept with it.

I actually kept with it for more than six months. (I seem to remember it being about eight.) But something happened.

I started "forgetting" to write things down in my little notebook. At night, when I'd do the day's data entry, I'd play catch-up and try to recall what I'd spent during the day. Then I started rounding a bit.

After that I'd miss a day, maybe two. It was ok though, I could extrapolate from old data.

Eventually I stopped completely.

After a few months I realized why. I had started to spend more money, buying bullshit. Toys, software, whatever. Things that wouldn't help me stand up to the bitter scruitinization of the mirror. Accounting for these things became more painful. It was easier to pretend I'd forgotten, to let it slide a little, than it was to deal with the fact that I'd done something that ran counter to the direction I was trying to go.

After all: It's not just a river in Egypt.

So over the past few weeks my posting has been getting erratic, less "interesting" when it happens, and just generally shoddy and haphazard.

It would be dishonest at best of me to say that I had some flash of insight where I associated what happened back then with what's been happening now, causing me to come to my own emotional rescue. Nope. Nothing like that at all. I've been fully conscious of this weird slide into self disapproval, which is why it has been so tough.

So I have this problem that's now a bit easier to encapsulate, having seen it in a couple different instances: The path of least resistance is to realize I'm not living up (to whatever) and to slowly divest myself of the outward indicators my progress, so as to have one less reminder. Then that becomes another point of dissatisfaction, and it feeds on itself and sinks slowly down a deep spiral.

This kind of thing has happened and continues to happen, in far too many areas of my life for me to ignore it. Most importantly I've wrecked relationships all over the place this way. Ones that could perhaps have turned out much differently... But I digress.

Usually it starts with some trivial procrastination or other similar impulse control problem (all various permutations of "let it slide".)

I'm afraid to oversimplify here, but it seems that it comes down to the fact (?) that the fundamental dissatisfaction I have with myself is somehow easier to bear than the solution to the problem or the task that needs doing.

Does that make ANY sense?

Part of me (a BIG part of me) thinks that all this self-referential intellectualizing about my internal workings is destructive. The place to come to, I expect, is the place where I realize it's all more or less irrelevant and that I should just do what needs doing. Cleanly.

But until then, here I am.

- M

Week 4: Day 3: Square 1

Part of my long-term plan has been to pare down my living expenses incrementally (by moving to a cheaper apartment primarily, but with removal of some of my more expensive habits as well) and to then take a lower paying job so that, within 5-10 years, I could switch industries and leave programming more or less completely as a profession.

If you're not someone who writes software it probably sounds kinda funny to talk about it as something worth being passionate about. But I will always do it for myself and the 2 or 3 people who use the day to day toys I come up with. But working on someone else's project is something I'm a few years away from being completely burnt out on.

Another part of The Plan (pretty much on the same schedule) is moving out of New York City. I love it to death, but... enough already. My feet haven't touched grass in years.

Last Wednesday night I received a request to house sit for someone for 5+ months in one of the most beautiful neighborhoods of southwestern Connecticut.

It's more than $10,000 in rent that I won't have to come up with, and could very well be a little breathing room to decide where I want to move next.

In many regards, it wipes the slate clean and vaults me 5 years ahead in The Plan.

So, after a consultation with my personal account representative of the first transgalactic bank of reality, I accepted.

I'll be moving over the next few weeks.

Of course, I don't have a car. I don't have a license. But I'm getting to those quickly.

I really don't have my head wrapped around what's just happened (is happening.) This is an opportunity I couldn't have planned for.

There is some ego hit in accepting help, but that's my problem. I'm rapidly coming to understand that there's no such thing as "doing it alone." Pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps is as impossible as it sounds. All motion and achievement is accomplished through interactions with other people.

I have a serious amount of reevaluation to do.